*dis-despairing.

9:42 PM

today i yet again experienced the feeling of total despair.

you know, every day i walk out of my house with a great attitude, feeling the beautiful sunshine on my face.. (cues happy music which makes you want to bounce) but it's not so beautiful. there's a huge raincloud on my head every day. and every day just seems so bleak.

i wanted to rant about how today was one of the most horrid days of my life. and you know what's even more horrid? i realise i have experienced such horrid days before. which shows how goddamn unlucky i am.

i must have used 23,000 swear words inwardly today. as if using expletives would ameliorate anything. it just makes me feel uncouth and inadequate. (doesn't help that i'm learning about how women generally use less expletives than men, and women are more polite.. yada yada)

i had some acquaintances who dropped out of school or deferred a year from school because they were suffering from depression. and while i was walking home sobbing, i wondered, why couldn't i be like them? it wasn't because i didn't have enough negativity in me to do that. maybe i was more than just that.

i realised that, maybe i'm not the only unfortunate and unlucky person. maybe others who are even more unlucky than me keep their grouses to themselves. maybe they know that complaining doesn't change anything.

i thought this post would be a horrible and un-stomachable post for most of my friends who are tired of me talking about being sick and fed up of how unlucky i am, and how i have "given up" time and time again. but i guess i just dont possess the "give up" gene.

but i guess this post is quite empowering, at least for me.

okay back to studying linguistics. i just needed to get this out of my system. thanks for reading.