of leaving and hesitating.

11:38 PM

oh man..

bound by these chains of kinship and responsibility
it's getting harder to breathe.

what i once thought of as my second home,
has become something that i realise i have never really known.

and when you somehow get jaded,
and you want to be free,
you wish you never hesitated,
because now they wont let you leave.

not for the beautiful reasons;
like how they hold you dear.
but for the more practical reasons;
the pendings you did not clear.

there are but a few who are really sad,
a few who try to stop you.
then again most are indifferent.
so.. indifferent.

the people you worked hard for...
are the most indifferent.

how ironic.

----------------------

but then again,
wake up lah.

the world's like that.

dumdeedum.

10:23 PM

finally, finally.

it wont be long till the last goodbye.

trust vs logic.

2:07 AM

i want to trust you.
but sometimes my brain just works like a guy.
im way too logical.
if it's not A, it's B.
there are only 2 choices.
C will be hantu, which is illogical.

where is the basis of trust?

i always thought i was special to you.
that you would never lie to me.
now, even i am confused.
are you lying? did you ever lie?
i dont know.
all i know is, as much as it hurts for you to think i dont trust you,
it hurts me that i can't find the basis for trust even though i'm trying hard to.

do you know how that hurts?

----------------------

why does the world deceive?
why do i make believe?
took my heel and made achilles out of me.
still i would wanna be
someone who answers to me.

recently i realised, as you get older, the world around you gets colder.
there are always people around you who want to step on you to climb higher.
there are people who are uscrupulous and would wanna do you in.

(of course, i know you wouldn't hurt me. this, i trust in you.)

i have become cynical and more shrewd. one of my classmates actually commented that i was shrewd. i dont know if he's trying to say im a shrew, or that i am shrewd. i think it's the former. ha-ha.

working in this company has definitely been a roller coaster ride for me.
i have gained many friends, and i have lost some along the way.
i realise when you leave the company, sure, your absence may be felt sometimes, but as time goes by, nobody really remembers or cares about you anymore.

no matter how strong is the bond forged.. the truth is, our job really takes up too much of our time. and time has a habit of slipping away.. making the bond weaker.. more non-existent.

you can only keep friends through persistence. and those friends that you manage to keep... they are the ones you know that really care.

a month ago.. there were 30-40 reasons to stay in the company..
now, there are maybe about 10 reasons to stay..

bernice, daniel, sharlyn, allison, sankar, rena, maggie... to name a few.

the reasons are shrinking.. and im getting so jaded.
i dont know what to do.
im so scared.

people who used to be close to me.. have drifted away from me..
people i used to respect and love..

every day, i think of the worse case scenario when i go to work.
when something goes missing i start thinking of who is trying to sabotage me.

i once thought that our office didnt have any politics..
guess im wrong.

the funny thing is, i kinda miss adrian this week. he's my boss btw.
i kinda miss talking to him.

i used to be so excited about the new HSBC campaign. but now it's nowhere in sight.
i want to sell HSBC cards SO much. so so so much.

but now.. i dont know what to do.