to one of my dearest friends:

12:47 AM

suddenly feel like blogging after i read wenjie's post.
lately ive been feeling estranged from the class.
only wensheu initiates a convo once in a while.
and kg too.
once in a long long while. and we speak like 5 sentences each time. -_-

besides my heavy work commitments which have disallowed me to go out with the class, there have been underlying currents of tension too.
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maybe it's my fault for being stubborn, headstrong and unreasonable.
but i have always put friendship above all, deep down in my heart.
although i always say angsty things, it is to hide my weakness and embarrassment.
some people.. clearly do not feel the same.
i honestly dont care about how you see me. how you say i have done things that you cannot accept.
wait, i lied. i do care. still do.

how about you? do you honestly think i can accept everything you do?
like blocking me on msn?
like hiding things from me when i tell you everything?
hahhahaha. i try to find excuses for this friend. i try to think she's overseas or that her internet is down.
but her posts on livejournal have not stopped at all..
"oh, she rarely comes online anyway."
another weak attempt to cover for this friend. but what is there to cover?

i have been hit with the cold hard truth.
am i.. not worth it?
i made the effort to 'patch up' with this friend..
i made the effort to separate the 2 matters.
i made the effort not to appear hurt although i honestly am hurting inside..
i would rather not talk to him at all, and still retain our friendship.
what do you want me to do?
i am not blind, nor deaf, nor unfeeling. as much as you have feelings and emotions, arent i not human too?

my friend, i still regard you as my friend.
my eyes still tear as i am typing these words. images of those happy times we had together keep flashing back in my mind.
and my heart hurts badly.
but clearly, a long time ago, you have denounced my status as your friend.

and now i look at my msn messenger..
thinking whether i should delete you too.
it's less painful not seeing you on my list, than being reminded of the excruciating fact that our friendship is dead.
and every night it hurts once.
every night it hurts more.
but the sinking feeling that you don't really feel this as deeply as i do, (or maybe that you do not feel it at all), hurts me most.

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i never wanted it to be this way.
maybe i am really not worth it, then.