escapism?

11:36 AM

hmmm.
recently ive been talking to this very close friend.. and ive realised that a barrier has formed between us. maybe it's the lack of interaction these days. i feel like i havent seen or talked to him in AGES. but actually it has just been a few weeks. maybe it's the quality of the interaction too.

My job..
was paying well, but now it's not. maybe it's due to my lack of confidence nowadays.. or the fact that i've been really unfocused due to all the uni applications and stuff.. my job really takes away most of my time. almost 12 hours a day. or more. i cant remember when was the last time i went out with my bestie.. when was the last time i had a really enjoyable class outing..
what's happening to me?
I'm feeling so jaded.
For someone who (claims to) place her friends as her highest priority.. im feeling like a hypocrite. havent had any time to have any heart-to-heart talks with my jc friends.. always ignoring their sms-es due to work commitments.. (and my spoilt joystick)
i really have to thank them for remembering to send me smses to ask me out for dinner even though i usually ignore them. not on purpose, really. it's just that i had some pre-arranged dates with other friends or i had work commitments.. and the smses came at such short notice.

that day i met my hsbc friend and i was telling her about how stressed i felt.. and she was like "hey! it's not like you really need the money what! IT'S JUST A HOLIDAY JOB! dont stress urself out."
that struck me. yeah, to me, it's just a holiday job for me to gain exposure and earn a bit of money..
so why am i slogging my guts out?
reason 1: i really want to earn some money to satisfy my material wants
reason 2: i really really really want to see tian getting promoted.

im not there to build a team, im not there to advance my career.
now even when i have a trainee i cant handle her cuz my confidence is so shaken.
the only thing i can do is teach her the basic theory of sales and give her encouragement..

sometimes i feel rather useless.. RAWR.

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i was never a quitter.. ive always believed in working hard to get what i want. but does that include sacrificing time with friends and family?
when i was talking to the hsbc friend i told her "for a career i can sacrifice anything."
and after the words left my lips i realised how wrong i was in saying that.

sometimes i just wanna escape. although i always ramble on about how i despise escapists.. sometimes i want to be an escapist too.

it has been ages since ive slacked around in bed thinking about nothing at all.
this morning i slacked around in bed, thinking of how to get more submissions.