disillusionment

11:26 PM

this is.. one of the emo days. haha.
and on an emo day, i publish an entry! like i used to do.

this entry.. is about disillusionment.

actually i never really understood what this word meant. it's just one of the words that everyone uses when they feel empty and emo. and they can never really grasp the true meaning.

disillusionment:
the act of disenchanting, especially to disappoint or embitter by leaving
without illusion.

wellllll. i still dont really understand the meaning but yeah it's the feeling of disappointment and bitterness. ):

or maybe i'm feeling cynical. yes this i know how to define without using online dictionaries. i think it's "being suspicious of human motives"..

sigh. yup. im increasingly cynical.

although i've tried to create optimistic thoughts and try to fill myself with hope.. i can't help being cynical.
and then.. i become disillusioned. all the optimism and hope are just illusions. after the illusions are removed.. i become disillusioned.

okay. that was really nonsensical.

what im feeling now..

is like ..
the feeling of wanting to be in control.. but knowing that i can't.
the feeling of wanting to change things.. but knowing that i can't make any great impact or cause any big change.
it's .. the feeling of.. feeling small.

im sick and tired of people saying "if you believe you can, you can.". sometimes, you know you can't, and that's a very sickening feeling.

a sinking feeling.. which brings ur heart all the way down to your feet.

hahahhaha okay. no, seriously, life ain't that bad.