[[ stopping.

10:23 PM

a random chat log:

!17 7`11 stopping is good. _______ says:
and u're lonely
!17 7`11 stopping is good. _______ says:
and cold
!17 7`11 stopping is good. _______ says:
feeling so empty inside
[=- A -v- A -=]™ [..:: Feel like i always do ::..] says:
about there la
!17 7`11 stopping is good. _______ says:
u wish someone would add some color into ur life
!17 7`11 stopping is good. _______ says:
but somehow.. that someone never comes along.
!17 7`11 stopping is good. _______ says:
so i stopped hoping
!17 7`11 stopping is good. _______ says:
i stopped trying
!17 7`11 stopping is good. _______ says:
i stopped looking
!17 7`11 stopping is good. _______ says:
and i stopped thinking.
!17 7`11 stopping is good. _______ says:
ah shit u're making me think again.
!17 7`11 stopping is good. _______ says:
-_-
[=- A -v- A -=]™ [..:: Feel like i always do ::..] says:
lol u said enuff to make up half an emo song

---------------------------------------------

stopping is good.
and there's no turning back from here.
maybe someday. somehow.
sometime.

but not now.

[[ BLOODY SLACKER

1:21 AM

why can't i just get myself to study?!
and my negative thoughts are killing me.
stab stab stab stab stab.
"you're taking life too seriously!"
then what about those muggers. everywhere i turn i see people more hardworking than me.
people who don't usually mug are mugging like they enjoy it.
sick.

i'm beginning to lose my motivation.
or rather, i've lost it since i entered this school.
the teachers don't seem to be as encouraging as before.
i told mrs leo im considering to drop physics.
i was expecting "no! you shouldn't! you can make it!"
guess what i got.
"you can consider~"
WTF.

what happened to all the encouraging teachers?
:(

i think im becoming uglier and uglier by the day.
happy people become prettier. i think.
ANGRY.

[[ pms

5:55 PM

IT MUST BE

PMS.

gawd. i've been so touchy these few days. sorry.

i'm starting to really dislike myself now.

i hate my attitude it blardy sucks.

but i'll be okay in a day.

[[ PHYSICS

10:24 PM

for the past few days, i've been having these REALLY negative emotions about physics. i've even thought about dropping physics. but now i guess i'm okay. nobody can help me pull myself together. so i should just stop hoping that a miracle will happen. it's up to me to focus and buck up. now.

i took english literature in sec 3 and 4. believe me, it's fun! sometimes it gets ULTRA boring. especially when i'm always the one who never finishes the book on time. I'm awfully clueless when the angmoh teacher asks us to pick out important quotes and stuff from the pages we were supposed to read eons ago. i remember how absurd i was. we were supposed to finish reading the book "The Bonesetter's Daughter" by the end of sec 3 december holidays. ( i think)
but i only finished the book in july. no wait. i didn't. i finished the book before prelims. ahha. that's how lazy i was. but the book was good. really interesting. a typical Amy Tan book about mother-daughter relationships transcending cultures (American and Chinese). but it got a bit slow when the main character Ruth reached Hongkong.

Talking about physics, there's this excerpt in the book i found really interesting :D

"Ruth thought of a book she had helped write a few years before, The Physics of Human Nature. The author had recast the principles of physics into basic homilies to remind people of self-defeating behavioural patterns. 'The Law of Relative Gravity': Lighten up. A problem is only as heavy as you let it be. 'The Doppler Effect of Communication': There is always distortion between what a speaker says and what a listener wants it to mean. 'The Centrifugal Force of Arguments': The farther you move from the core of the problem, the faster the situation spins out of control."

they kinda make sense don't they? i especially agree with the gravity one and the centrifugal force one. well. cuz i don't know what the doppler effect of communication is. hahaha.
okay i have to go restart my computer. some automatic updates thing. =/

[[ SINGAPORE OPEN

2:41 AM

it's not supposed to hurt this way.
and it's not supposed to feel this way.
we don't talk much anymore. we keep running from the pain.
we don't talk much anymore. we keep running from these sentences.
tell me.
why.

-----------------------------------------------

went for Singapore Open umpires briefing today.
took 3 hours. -_- lol.
it was really fun. everyone was very jovial and the atmosphere was good!
the guys were real funny. very spastic actually.
one of them looked like someone in school. a bit lah. he was the most spastic one. hahaha.
we had to practise our walk and our talk. literally.
practise how to walk into the playing arena one by one.
sorta like a catwalk. of course i failed terribly cuz for god-knows-what reason my head keeps swaying left and right. like some unstable bobbing toy. =/
then it was the announcing of scores..
placing of the timeout card.. pretty basic stuff actually.
we'll have to wear coat and tie for the event. players from all over the world will be coming! they're the best of the best. :D
so i'm really looking forward to the Singapore Open even though i'm pretty damn scared i'll screw up real badly!
i just hope everything goes well :D it'll be fun!

[[ of all things.

11:34 PM

"Heavily Broken"

Everyday I sit here waiting

Everyday just seems so long

And now I've had enough of all the hating

Do we even care, it's so unfair

Any day it'll all be over

Everyday there's nothing new

And now I just try to find some hope

To try and hold onto

But it starts again

It'll never end

I'm heavily broken

And I don't know what to do

Can't you see that

I'm choking

And I can't even move

When there's nothing left to say

What can you do

I'm heavily broken

And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying

Almost heading for a fall

And now my mind is screaming out

I've gotta keep on fighting

But then again

It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken

And I don't know what to do

Can't you see that I'm choking

And I can't even move

When there's nothing left to say

What can you do?

I'm heavily broken

And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning

I'm screaming for air(Screaming for air)

Louder I'm crying

And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken

And I don't know what to do

Can't you see that I'm choking

And I can't even move(What can I do)

When there's nothing left to say

What can you do

I'm heavily broken

And I don't know what to do

Can't you see that I'm choking

This whole song.. is what i'm feeling. no. wait.

this song ain't even half of what i'm feeling inside.

sigh. each day i wait for life to get better.

but it doesn't.

i tell myself: put it aside. shove it to the back of your head.

but no. it's like a splinter in my thumb. it's not going anywhere but i don't care.
cuz i've got used to it.

there're too many things happening all at once.

or rather.. nothing is happening. it's all make-believe.

freak. there are so many beads stuck in my keyboard. i wonder who spilt them there.

when you don't feel like seeing that person anymore, he keeps on popping up.

2 people.

pretending is not good. but i can't help but pretend.

blogging is therapeutic.

[[ PROJECT WORK ROCKS

11:00 PM

the new shelves were fixed on my bedroom wall today. now, there's no more space on any of my walls. i kinda like the way the shelves look. i have this urge to pack all my stuff and place them on the shelves. BUT I HAVE NO TIME.

project work is driving me crazy.
seriously.
i feel like doing the same thing as my /bang emoticon.
ouch.

!*@&#^$%^!*$

our group is so screwed. how are we gonna meet the deadline?!
the only thing i feel like doing is sleeping.
zonk zonk zonk!
so damn zonked out.

----------------------------------------------

i shall reply some tags.

hylden: okay. "yong wang zhi qian!" although i really feel stagnant. no motivation. i like toing cannot ar.
jialin: yupp. but memories are here to stay too. how i miss all of you. sigh.
cj: yes it can! after this week. im just forcing myself to pull through this week. hellish week.
mummy: mummy is toot. and lame. :D
----------------------------------------------

[[ eggggg.

10:57 PM

CINDERELLA'S CARRIAGE OWNS :D

our egg didn't break. our structure didn't break either.
toing toing toing ((:

[[ t i r e d.

9:07 PM

i am so darn tired of this life.
but what can i do?
DIE?

life can be so much better. without PW.
without physics tests.
without math tutorials.
without all the nitty gritty stuff i have to worry about.
life can be better if we can eat a lot and never grow fat.
life can be better if i possess the power to stop time.
life can be better if i get more sleep.
life can be better if the clouds were made of cotton candy,
and bleeding never hurts.
life can be better if i find my purpose.
sometimes it's not so easy to find a purpose. i think i have a goal, but now it seems untouchable.
life becomes mundane. life becomes hard.
i know there are people going through worse crises than i am.
i read in my sec 3/4 literature text that "you can always make yourself feel better by comparing yourself to a person who's in a situation much worse than you."
is it true? no.
putting people down doesn't make you feel higher up.
seeing people suffer doesn't make you feel better.
destroying the happiness of other people doesn't make you happier.
so what can i do?

life can be better..... if i say it can.

[[ EGGDROP :D

10:23 PM

i cut my finger.
it's like this piece of skin flapping around. bleh! so i covered the flap and limyuan wrapped a plaster around my finger. gross!
----------------------------------------------

look at our structure:D not complete yet, but lookin' good yah!

----------------------------------------------

limyuan has an ADORABLE dog. called haley. i think :D
i reaaally like her dog. it's the first time i've taken a liking to a big dog.
cuz haley stones a lot. and she's not hyperactive :D
and she has soft fur.

PRETTY DOG. (:

----------------------------------------------

i love limyuan's toilet (: it's like some hotel toilet. oooohhhh.

----------------------------------------------

i wish my house were as big as hers. she has a very funny brother. hahaha. the stuff he says.. damn spastic! lol. but he's nice lah. offered to walk me out. but of course i didn't trouble him. i wonder if i can still go kbox tml.
so much work to do. and im not doing anything. it's driving me NUTS.
sigh. i should just get depression or something. then i won't have to deal with all this.
but no! i must face my problems. im not some coward. yes. i shall start by taking out my contact lenses. peaceout. (:

[[ so damn alone.

8:22 PM

i just needed somewhere to post this. i've grown to like my blog a lot. (:
except i can't seem to put my photo in the sidebar. html idiot thanks. =/

----------------------------------------------

im all alone at home again. i'm so used to being at home alone. it's freaky.
i look around my room, hoping to find something to make me feel less empty.

i'm used to being alone. i'm used to stoning at home.
i'm used to cooking my own meals, eating my own dinner.
i'm used to talking to walls, singing alone.
i'm used to dreaming.
i'm used to being alone.
but that doesn't mean i like to be alone.
that doesn't mean i don't want someone to share stuff with.
i think i talk to myself more than anybody else.
okay. don't start thinking im some freak. i write a lot. in a red book.
it has the word "Love" printed outside.
i think only by writing can i feel myself.
i like it when it's raining outside. it rained last night.
i felt as if i was raining inside too. it's not a good feeling to feel soggy inside.
cold.
yes that's the word. cold.

----------------------------------------------

[[ click.

12:28 AM

this bottle of green tea spoilt a part of my day :(
no sugar! less than 40kJ of energy for the whole freakin nasty 500ml.
so much for being healthy.

----------------------------------------------

alright. went to use the gym at ju's house. along with kimmin.
i never knew gymming could be so fun :D
hah! i wouldn't mind gymming once a week.

ooh this is the machine i love!

ju and i :D
i seldom see my eyes so small in a picture. ahah.
they're like slits.

----------------------------------------------

then kim, ming and i went to watch CLICK :D
it was reaaally funny.
then it got a bit sad.
and super touching.
it teaches us how to treasure our family. yupp.
you know i'd like to love my family but it doesn't help when my mom screams at me and calls me names. =/ i hate it when she does that. seriously. i try to be nice.
i try. wait you can scream at me and i can't talk back? i can't scream back?

i thought maybe we could go kbox tml and destress or something.
guess not. i'm gonna stay at home afterall. no life.
Tay Wen Si has no life. what the heck.
maybe i should dig out that long-due alkenes tutorial and start on it.

[[ 711

2:25 AM

i didn't get to see them today.
i miss them. a lot. ):

---------------------------------------

sometimes. i wish i could just run away.
i would runaway
and leave everything behind
everyone behind.
lead a life in solitary.
and suffer in silence.
suffer alone.
in a place nobody knows.
i wonder who will remember me when i'm gone.
who will think of me once in a while?
who will love me still the same..

and who will take me in.

sometimes i think

I THINK TOO MUCH.

[[ normal post1

4:19 PM

ben and jerry's is <3
:D:D
chocolate fudge brownie. phish food. chunky monkey. cherry garcia.

I LOVE BEN AND JERRY'S (:

oh my. im so sorry.
hahha. i know my picture must have traumatised at least 10 people.
cuz it scares me every time i view my blog. =/
but no, i'm not going to take it down. too bad for fengzhao. lol.

went kbox yesterday with xiaobai :D
we got this ULTRA BIG ROOM. and i repeat, ULTRA ULTRA BIG.
the person told us to go to room 804. but all the rooms we saw were from 1-23 maybe?
how come got 800 something one!
then we were taken to this HUGE room.
there was even a pool table inside the room.
-bahhh i lost my memory card adapter. can't post the pics :(-
well anyway. we were having so much fun in the room cuz it was HUUUGE.

too bad they stopped us frm singing frm 2 pm onwards. stop the system summore.
so evil.

then we went to watch "the lake house" with yushan and yijie (:
let's just say... the movie was GREAT :)
but keanu reeves' acting still sucks.
i cried like crazy at the last part. the 2 girls beside me were laughing at how stupid i looked :P
hahaha. must have cried like a lost kid.

then we went to watch FIREWORKS :D
made by italy experts. it was dazzling. i especially liked the blue and silver ones. they looked like stars. absolutely breathtaking.
and there were golden spirals. really spinning spirals. really good.

-grits teeth because i cannot post the photos-

[[ugly.

12:25 AM

WHEET.

HOW NICE.

the ugly duckling is really stupid. although she hates to admit she is.

[[ the ugly duckling

11:16 PM

The Ugly Duckling

there was once an ugly duckling who was so ugly, everyone shunned her.
nobody loved her.
the ugly duckling did not realise how horrendous she looked at first.
she was happy with herself.
she thought she was pretty. and that was all that mattered.
she lived happily.
as she grew up, she faced the scorn of people around her.
the superficial world hurt her badly.
she changed her perception about beauty. She abhorred the person she saw in the mirror.
As the ugly duckling grew up, she became more beautiful.
She became more self concious.
she looked back on her past and laughed at the ugly duckling she once was.
she knew full well that she wasn't a swan. but at least she wasn't the ugly duckling she once was.
however, little did she know that her confidence actually decreased.
she was getting so self concious that she constantly found fault about herself, and she became depressed.
at first she was glad to walk out of her shadow of being an ugly duckling.
no. she was more than glad. she was elated.
but as time went by, she saw the superficial duck (omg sounds so unglam) she had become.
she realised she was as superficial as the people around her.
she saw things in the same way as other people saw. she talked about things just like the people around her. she fit in so well.
she was no longer the dysfunctional, dull ugly duckling she was when she was young.
but there was one difference. she did not keep her secrets to herself.
she was an open book.
open to attacks from the world around her.
then some part of her wanted to go back to being an ugly duckling again.
at least she was more truthful to herself and the people around her were truthful too.
now the duck sees herself as an ugly duckling once more.
she knows she shouldn't expect to be treated like a swan.
she knows she's not good enough.
so why not be an ugly duckling?
afterall that's what she's meant to be.

now this ugly duckling just wants to find a safe place to hide her ugly face.

[[ hopes and fears

12:01 AM

if only life was as simple as 1, 2, 3.

what a random picture :D
just 2 of all the people i love so much.
thanks for being there to listen to my constant ramblings about mr. BB. and mr. NB. LOL.
thanks for making me feel better about myself. and life too. i appreciate it. (:

I've been listening to "Somewhere only we know" by Keane recently because of the movie "The Lake House". Watch the trailer! :D
i've watched the trailer at least 10 times.hahaha.

"How do you hold on to someone you've never met?"

this leads me to think..

"How do you hold on to someone who doesn't even know you exist?"

That's equally bad.
Sometimes i wonder what my puny mind is up to. I drag myself into all kinds of trouble I can avoid. And sometimes it's not even worth it. Most of the time it's not even worth it.

This could be the end of everything
so why don't we go
somewhere only we know.
somewhere only we know.

sometimes i think i don't deserve to be too happy.
no wonder. nobody ever came.
it's not like i need somebody.

it's not like i don't know im lying.
optimism isn't like this.
optimism isn't self-denial. optimisim used to be self-denial. not anymore.
Self-denial is like a drug. that's got me wanting more and more and more..

I tell myself it'll all go away. It's all an illusion.
And then i realise it's here to stay.

sigh, i'm not making sense anymore. sometimes i feel like a piece of wood.
ok totally no link liao. i think im switching off. i better go wash up and sleep.

why does the sun go on shining?

why does the sea rush to shore?

Don't they know, it's the end of the world..

It ended when you said goodbye.