[[ dreams

12:48 AM

DREAMS

i had the worst nightmare ever this morning. =/
it was awful.
it kind of changed my perspective of some things or some people although i know the dream was rather nonsensical.
i guess i subconciously think of such stuff.
one weird thing was i was in a neoprint which i never remembered taking.
and the people in the neoprint were all fat people.
one of them was a girl from my secondary school. and i don't even know her in person.
freaky. and the photo shop i went to in my dream seemed so familiar. i seem to have dreamt of that same shop before!
talk about deja vu.
then zee helped me interpret my dream. i guess it made quite a lot of sense.
except one part. i know people say what happens in dreams don't happen in real life.
dreams are the oppposite of reality. however, how much of that is true?
i dreamt that the topic venice would come out for O level Social Studies.. and it did.
i thought it wouldn't come out because what happens in dreams don't happen in real life. so i didn't study that topic. ha. :(

dreaming is a good thing cuz it brings new things to life.

but pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie.

pretend nothing has happened. pretend everything is right.

pretend nobody is hurt. pretend nothing has gone wrong.

pretend we can all move on.

pretend we're not telling lies.

pretend. until we no longer feel we are pretending anymore.

[[ quiz 5

9:49 PM

The rules:

Bold the statements that are true to you.

Italise the statements that you WISH are true.

Leave the Fibs alone.

Then, stab 5 people to do the same test.(:

I miss somebody right now.

I don’t want TeeVee these days.

I wear glasses or contact lenses.

I love to play video games.

I’ve tried marijuana.

I have been in a threesome.

I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.

I believe honesty is usually the best policy.

I curse sometimes.

I have changed alot mentally over the last year.

I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

I’m TOTALLY smart.

I’ver broken someone’s bones.

I’m paranoid sometimes.

I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.

I need money right now. I love sushi.

I talk really, really fast.

I have long hair.

I have lost money in Las Vegas.

I have at least one sibling.

I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.

I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D.

I like the way I look.

I am usually pessimistic. I have alot of moodswings.

I have a hidden talent.

I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.

I have alot of friends. I am currently single. I have pecked someone of the same sex.

I enjoy talking on the phone.

I practically live in trackpants or PJ pants.

I love to shop. I would rather shop than eat.

I don’t hate anyone.

I’m a pretty good dancer.

I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.

I have a cell phone.

I believe in God.

I watch MTV on a daily basis. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.

I’ve rejected someone before.

I have no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life.

I want to have children in the future.

I have changed a diaper before.

I’ve called the cops on a friend before.

I’m not allergic to anything.

I have alot to learn.

I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.

I am shy around the opposite sex.

I have tried alcohol before.

I have made a move on a friend’s significant other or crush in the past.I own the “South Park” movie.

I would die for my best friends.

I think Pizza Hut has the best pizza.

I have used my sexuality to advance my career.I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.

Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.

I watch Spongebob Squarepants and i like it.

I am happy at this moment.

I’m obsessed with guys.

I study for tests most of the time.

I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.

I am comfortable with who i am right now.

I have more than just my ears pierced.

I walk barefoot whenever i can.

I have jumped off a bridge.

I love sea turtles.

I spend ridiculous money on makeup.

I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.

I’m proficient in a musical instrument.

I work at McDonald’s restaurant.

I hate office jobs. I love sci-fi movies. I think water rules.

I want to college out of state.

I like sausages.

I love kisses.

I fall for the worst people.

I adore bright colours.

I can’t live without black eyeliner.

I don’t know why the hell i did this stupid thing.

I can’t whistle.I have ridden/owned a horse.

I still have every journal i’ve written in.

I can’t stick to a diet.

I talk in my sleep.

I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.

Climbing trees are a brilliant past-time.I have jazz in my blood.

I wear a toe ring.I have a tatoo.

I can’t stand at LEAST one person that i work with.

I am a caffeine junkie.

I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.

I have been to over 15 conventions.

I will collect anything, the more nonsensical the better.

I’m an artist.

I only clean my room when necessary.

I like a person of the same sex.

I love being happy.

I am an adrenaline junkie.

+++++++++++++

i just finished watching "Lady in the Water".

It's very thought provoking (: go watch it!

[[you

10:44 PM

you call others superficial.
how deep are you?
how deep can you get.

you're just superficial like the others.
stop trying to make yourself look good. because you don't.

you irritate me so much.
just disappear.

my life would be better without your false pretense.
or would it?

you're loud. you're bossy. you're over the top.

you're blunt, you're stubborn, you're all out of sorts.

you talk about the world like you know it well

but how often really do you come out of your shell?

you claim you love yourself so much,

yet you you hurt yourself and refuse to give up.

you're a masochist.

you're selfish.

you're everything i don't want to be.

but you.. you are me.

omg. im going crazy. by now, you must have discovered there is something terribly wrong with my head. hahaha.
ok lar. actually i'm just doing some.. reflection.
i really have to change. sometimes i dislike my whole way.

[[ screwed.

12:14 AM

~~PERFECT PLAN.~~

haha. actually nothing. justin was asking me about this html code.
so i was testing it out, and i decided to post something.
well. i guess i alwaaays screw things up. (:
it's in my blood.

[[ this is true.

3:15 PM

"True"

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I dont look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you
I'm weak
Its true
Cuz i'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cuz my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

You dont know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
Im afraid to move
Im weak
Its true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

I know when I go i'll be on my way to you
The way thats true

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

:D is this? welllll. let's just wait and see.

/edit

NO IT'S NOT TRUE. IT'S JUST CRAP.

[[ LIES

8:11 PM

A PACK OF LIES.

why am i so gullible?
i need retail therapy.
or lao po bing. ):

[[ tomorrow

9:44 PM

everyone asks me to cheer up. Tomorrow will be a better day, they say. And tomorrow always turns out to be better. I realise after posting all those "i feel like dying" and "the world hates me" kind of entry, i actually feel better. Rather than posting those "help me help you" entries.

Truth and tranquility.. Both do not come together. Some people spend all their lives searching for the truth of a matter or maybe the truth of life. but after getting the truth, do they feel peaceful? no! the truth doesn't always calm people. the truth is cruel sometimes. but i'd rather hear the truth. rather than some flimsy, cliche excuses. Excuses don't suffice. Excuses hurt people even more. Although the truth doesn't give me tranquility.. it makes me feel a lot better.

Today i passed by the playground. Children were playing on the slides.. playing catching.. screaming and laughing away. yeah i admit i dislike noisy children. i don't like to hear people screaming. especially children. in normal circumstances i would just walk away without thinking too much. but today, i was looking at them with envy. the number of problems we have is directly proportional to age. as we grow older, we have more to worry about. house loans, jobs, insurance, utility bills, children...................
and the list goes on.
what do i have to worry about now?
-schoolwork
-relationship problems
-friends
-family
-money

okay. that's pretty little. and pretty trivial compared to what i have to worry about later in life.
when i was young, all i had to worry about was......... friendship problems. i guess. i didn't worry about schoolwork back then. i didn't really worry about schoolwork back in RV.
my junior asked me that day "how's HC?"
i replied "stressed."
then he asked "more stressed than RV?"
i asked "stress? where's the stress in RV???"

ha. =/ now im really worried about schoolwork. and the worst thing is, i don't seem to be doing anything constructive to salvage my poor grades. sigh. i really should start trying to work hard. im still formulating our pw survey now. bad progress.

I don't wanna believe you
when you tell me that it'll be okay
yeah i try to believe you
not today.
I don't know what to say
tomorrow.. tomorrow.
I don't know what to do
tomorrow .. tomorrow is a different day.

[[ the world hates me.

10:08 PM

THE WORLD HATES ME.

what a happy title! =D

the world hates me (:
that's why, nothing goes smoothly for me.

the world hates me (:
that's why god gave me a pair of eyes which have abnormally active tear glands.

the world hates me (:
that's why...
that's why i hate the world back.

the world hates me (:
the world fucking hates me.
period.

it's been a long time since i used that word.
about 1 hour ago, i felt like i was gonna die.
okay maybe not that bad.
my friends all tell me that my blog is way depressing.
they think i want to die.
well sometimes i do! but there are many things i've not yet accomplished in life.
i don't wanna die now.

45 minutes ago i cried like a baby.
even worse than a baby.
but i cry at the slightest things.
crybaby crybaby crybaby.
my friend was so helpless.
im so sorry.

30 minutes ago i sort of calmed down.
and i laughed. a bit.
i laughed a bit too hard.
tried a bit too hard. and it hurt.

15 minutes ago,
i realised there are many people who care about me.
i realised.. maybe the world doesn't hate me.
wait. hell yeah the world doesn't hate me at all.
how lucky i am to have such friends.

5 minutes ago,
i felt this strange sense of happiness.
poignant.
very very poignant.

1 minute ago, my heart ached again.
it hurts to know that he doesn't care anymore.
no call, no sms. no nothing.
and what did i do wrong?

30 seconds ago, i came to a conclusion.

[[ bad day

12:18 AM

just another bad day.

i had quite a rough day. felt like i didn't sleep at all the previous night.
the only time i enjoyed was the time i spent with yushan kimmin and xiaobai. it's been a long time since we went out just to eat and talk. all of us have been facing some personal problems. it was great to just sit down and talk.
not about anyone else. just talk about ourselves.

i had a fight with my mother. =/
she can be really unreasonable sometimes, it gets on my nerves. i know she says things for my own good. i really do.
but sometimes i just think she doesn't understand.
just now i was so damn pissed.
just when i was about to send my GPP to my leader, the stupid wireless connection went haywire.
i tried 5 ways to reconnect/repair it, but to no avail.
before this i was already feeling very depressed over GPP.
while some people were too engrossed in listening to "the mr brown show" =/,
xiaobai was there to listen to me yak. (: thankyou.

sometimes when you have so much to say, the words just won't come out.
but words are only words.
i can't give anything else.

i like the feeling of having something to fall back on.
i don't know. maybe it's the tendency of a snake to lean on stuff. =/ no backbone. or something.
whenever i feel totally depressed or weak i just lean on something hard. like my cold, hard bathroom door, my closet door... sometimes i wish i had something more comfortable to lean on.

it's okay to feel helpless sometimes. well im feeling this way now. what happened to my happy days? *poof* all gone.
and it hurts me so. i thought all these sad feelings were just in my head. i could control them. i could suppress these melancholic thoughts. i could turn these negative thoughts into positive ones.
then i realised these negative thoughts moved into my heart.
they fill up a void in my heart.
where happy feelings cannot reach, they move in.
and they fill up the void so much so that it hurts.
sometimes i feel like my heart's gonna burst.

and other times i ask my heart questions. my heart doesn't respond.
i thought i had a disease called heart murmur.
say something, say anything. give me a sign. i need to hear what you have to say.
maybe it hurts too much to even make a sound.
that's why it's called a disease.

omg. what is this crap. =/ some subconcious ramblings i suppose. oh well. i shall go to sleep. tomorrow will be a happy day.

[[ dun think too much!

3:04 AM

AHAH.

my friends say i like to make things difficult for myself.
i'm like a dog trying to bite its own tail, making itself miserable.
sigh.
well recently i seem to have seen the light. (:
ahha!
gone is the constantly depressed wensi =D
some things are actually very simple.
but i always go and complicate them.
what for?
stop thinking so much.
aren't i very happy now??